Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Asking for Yelp!

     
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I have been writing blogs for a couple of years now.  When I have been asked why I blog, my response has always been "it is a form of therapy and a way to normalize my experience."  What I have not verbalized is that the blog has been a way to discuss how I feel or convey messages to people I love and care about.
In blogging about this recent journey on a road to finding a diagnosis, I truly believed I was open and honest.  At times I was revealing some intimate details about my physical condition.  Sometimes I was pondering a thought to an elusive virtual community. 
But in reality I was keeping my world at arms length.
Remaining anonymous to my own life.
There is an ease to conveying your feelings from an empty dining room table.
When you do not have to vocalize your emotions to another face that may react to what you have to say, you can say anything.
My ability to be "open" about my health was conditional on doing it from behind a computer screen.  In reality "open", only meant sharing the tip of the iceberg, the remaining 90% of what I have been dealing with has been buried far beneath the surface, untouchable.
When I met with the doctor last week, I was forced out of the comfort of my virtual world.  I could not hide behind a hectic school schedule.  My children were not going to provide me with a distraction.  I had to face the reality that there was something very real to talk about.  Last Tuesday is where the unravelling began.
This past week has been a roller coaster of emotion. I have had to laugh.  I've also had to cry and cry and cry.
I have had to talk about how I have been feeling, because it has become impossible to ignore that I have been feeling. 
Admittedly, stoicism is an inherited trait.  Even in my openness I am recognizing how out of touch I really am.
Today I made a small change and I did something out of character.  I did something that required me to be vulnerable (a position that I usually run from).  I did something that demanded strength and trust. I asked for yelp help.
I have always advocated that people recognize their limits and honour their emotions.  I have challenged family, friends and clients to see a request for help as a sign of strength.  The recognition that you know your limits and that you are acknowledging and fulfilling your needs.  For the past year I have been gauging strength on my ability to push through, buck up and carry on.  There is a need for that mentality but there is also a cost.  I am not sure that I can continue my journey being dishonest with myself, family and friends.  I am feeling something, many things and it hurts.
Right now I need to be resilient and that means building my supports to get me through.  It means I may need to get comfortable with asking for help.  One day at a time.
"The life of man is like a game with dice; if you don’t get the throw you want, you must show your skill in making the best of the throw you get." Terence

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